Kids don’t lie.

5 Sep

The long holiday weekend had such beautiful weather and Saturday morning I was cleared to go out and starting walking ~ nothing fancy or crazy, but I will take it.  Being stuck in the house all day, everyday, with no one to talk to, feeling stuck and frustrated was really getting me down.  I could feel myself wanting to crawl out of my own skin, becoming increasingly more frustrated that I need so much help to do the simplest of tasks.  I can tell you this now, all of us take for granted being able to wash our own hair, being able to open a pill bottle to take your medication, take a bowl out of the cabinet, being able to take warm clothes out of the dryer or being able to get in a car and get yourself where you need to go.

Saturday marked a day of pure frustration that seemed to just consume me.  I got out of the shower, got myself dressed, picked up my keys and was determined to drive myself to the store to do the grocery shopping.  I was tired of feeling helpless…though let’s be honest, I am not supposed to push a shopping cart, pick up anything over 5lbs or reach over my head or bend forward, so I was obviously being completely irrational because I wouldn’t have been able to do the shopping on my own had I actually made it to the store without killing myself or someone else.  Rational or not, I was tired of not being able to just simply “GO” – where?  It doesn’t matter! for how long? until I am done!  I was a caged animal needing to break out.  Don’t worry, I came to my senses and waited for Mark to come with me to the grocery store.  Mostly bexause I wouldn’t have made it two blocks without crashing. 

The entire day was filled with so many frustrating moments where I felt like I was going to explode.  I imagined myself throwing my hard collar into the street and running over it over and over again…I suspect that once I am cleared to bid my collar farewell,  someone will find it flattened out in the middle of our street.  I have no problem admitting that there are so many moments when I am difficult, but I am okay with that right now as this is a difficult time for me.   At one point, Mark said he understood that I was frustrated…I think that there was steam emanating from my head.  Understand?  Really, he understands?  How is that possible!  He has never had surgery.  He has never had his neck sliced open.  He doesn’t have to ask or wait for help for almost everything.  He understands?  Those who know me; know me well enough to know that was just adding fuel to the fire. 

Saturday ended with me getting a pill stuck in my throat and I couldn’t get it to move in either direction no matter what I did.  No one can hit my on the back and the heimlich manuver would undoubtedly land me back in the hospital.  I started to cry out of pure frustration and exhaustion with the realization that I still have weeks to go before this gets better.  After 10 minutes of struggling and gagging, I finally vomit all the water and the pill all over the living room floor.  I feel relief but so defeated.  I am done for the day.

Sunday was a blur.  I can’t actually remember what we did for most of the day.  I only recall that we made it to the pool.

Monday was my first day out for an actual walk.  My daughter and I walked to the pool and while I would have loved to have walked longer as it was such a nice day out, but it was nice to walk and talk.  It is rare that we get those quiet moments and it was nice to just listen to her share about kindergarten and how much she is enjoying her class and her new friends.  The pool was filled with neighborhood families and my daughter was having a blast.

I was just sitting under the shade watch and play, but as I am sure you can imagine, it’s difficult to be inconspicious when you are the only person in the pool wearing a hard collar and have two wires hanging from her neck attached to some electric pad attached to her dress.

A little boy, he must have been 7 or 8 was pointing at me and asking his dad about my neck.  His dad was trying to explain to him about my neck and then finally turned to ask me what happened.  I was explaining what happened and about the surgery and the boy asked, “Can I see it?”.  The dad said it was okay.  I opened the hard collar brace and showed him the scar and the two pads connected to my neck down to the bone stimulator.  The boy turned to his dad and said, “See Dad, I told you it was going to look like someone tried to chop her head off.” 

KIDS DON’T LIE!  All the adults who has seen my scar have been downplaying how bad it looks (duh, I see it everyday, I know it looks bad).  But kids, they don’t lie.  They give you the raw honest to go truth.  I have to say, his honesty was refreshing and actually made me laugh.  If you ever want to know the god honest truth, ask a little kid.  They will give it to you unfiltered and raw.

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