Back to Square One

7 Sep

Yeseterday was filled with frustrations and humbling moments as I realized that when I am finally released to get back to any type of workout, that return is going to be incredibly painful.  I have been trying to walk a few miles each day, if for nothing else, to have something else to look at and to enjoy the fresh air before I go completely nuts from being inside all day.

I dropped something in the bathroom and am not supposed to lean forward at all (you have no idea how many times I have leaned just from habit…they probably should’ve extended my hard collar to a body collar to avoid this mistake), so I squatted down to pick the item up and hit the doorknob with my shoulder really hard.  I screamed, not a pain scream, but that kind of frustrating scream that sounds like, “What the hell!  I am so OVER this stupid collar, and being locked up, and not being able to do anything!” – you know, that kind of scream.  That was my cue to get out of the house immediately.

I had no place to go and no one to see, but I needed to get out.  It was such a beautiful day and I was feeling “adventurous” (intrepretation = going to walk a path I normally run to see if I can get up over this massive hill).  I start marching up our street towards this massive hill that I normally run with great ease (not fast, but with ease).  This was my test – can I at least walk this hill now that I haven’t done any form of exercise in 3 weeks (yep, 3 weeks).

Humbled, but not defeated, I made it up and over the hill (TWICE since I took the same route back).  I had to stop about every 5 steps for a break. WOW – this is what I have been reduced to, walk, pause, walk, pause.  This is hard.  I can’t believe how quickly my fitness level has declined.

Back to square one! Yep, so it seems, that is where I will start.  All of a sudden, I will have to start slow, with modifications and progress slowly.  This is not a place where I am comfortable.  While I don’t have a problem giving this advice to others,  I am not used to take anything slowly.  The teacher will now be the student.  I realize that it is about time to think about daily meditation and doses of daily affirmations and small goal setting.  It will be a long road before I am going at 110%, but perhaps this was the test I was meant to be given.  For so long I have been striving to achieve a better balance in my life, maybe this is that time.  Now is the time to make those life changes so when I come out of my recovery on the backside, life is more balanced.

I often move so quickly focusing on what needs to get done (I am a doer and giver) instead of simply “being in the moment”

Last night, I had the rare opportunity to be alone with my son.  We spent 45 minutes taking turns reading a book together.  At the end my son said, “Thank you mommy for reading with me.  Can we do that again tomorrow?”

Everything in life happens for a reason…I have been waitiing for the storm that is my recovery, when all I need to do is learn to dance in the rain.

 

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One Response to “Back to Square One”

  1. Jack September 8, 2012 at 10:38 am #

    Hey Amy! Thank you for sharing parts of this difficult experience. We can all learn things from each other, if we are lucky.
    Peace.

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